Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I think my fart just growled at me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
