You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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