My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Are we still banned from the library?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
