I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
