how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
