ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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