I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
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Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
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i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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