my phone needs a breathalizer
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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