I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
