I CAN MOONWALK!
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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