i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
