GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
