It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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