Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
