the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
if only i could text you this smell
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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