also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
