Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
