So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
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i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
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You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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