I want to walk on stilts...naked
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
