i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
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this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
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I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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