In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
