I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
