time to smoke my breakfast
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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