Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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