If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
