found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
