I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
