Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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