3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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