Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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