Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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