i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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