Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
