Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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