Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
