I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
