totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
