Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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