Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
