so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
