Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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