This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
