I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
