she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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