You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
