3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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