jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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