She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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