If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
