Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
