dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
