hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
